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Welcome to My New Blog

Some days will be hard, some days even harder. But in the end i will get to where i need to go.

Change will come

Be yourself; Everyone else is already taken.

— Oscar Wilde.

Im new to this all, i’ve never written a blog so bare with me.

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Cobalt Blue

Night has fallen on my heart, And cast a long shadow, so sad and true. I know what must be done,But it does not seem enough… For the life that will be lost,The life that loved me from the start. You showed me dreams, And helped them come true. You showed me the way, And now, the world is bathed in Cobalt Blue. A true sight to behold one of life and love. How could we ever be without you? As the light fell below the window sill, Yet another day was over and done, Yet another fight was laid to rest. And you can see, the pain Hidden beneath the memories, The love in the tear-streaked eyes Looking up at the peppered stars…
I was reminded of when life Was happy and it was true… of a time when I still had all of you… Your time was cut short, ripped away from under your feet. And now, we who are left must keep you in our hearts, and under our stars. When I walk around the streets,Where I grew up and found my feet,
They can’t look me in the eye, its like they ’re scared to say anything. But I’m lost in moments gone by.
You saw so much laughter, so much joy
Now there’s nothing left but the fleeting memories. The world has failed you, It let an angel down.You were an exquisite gem, “A soul so rare…and one to keep”  I see the angels, I’ll lead them to your door, For I know where you belong, Soaring high above, a whisper of hope. Hidden amongst the stars. There was no falling down without you ‘round to pick me up And no tears that fell without your help to change my luck. And you taught me so much, I could not learn fast enough. About how to love someone, Wholeheartedly. You soldiered storms that you never spoke of, Built up a world that was all about us. If I close my eyes, I can still feel your touch… The warm steady shake of two hands, that loved me too much…  There’s just too much that time cannot erase;  Memories, laughter, smiles and tears. So hold me closer, one more time. Say that you love me, in my last goodbye.

The true Me

Part 1.

How did it ever get to the point where you wanted to physically harm yourself? A question repeatedly asked, eyes gazing at my scars, judged from the age of 14.

It was never the questions of; what happened? Are you okay? Whats wrong?… Just simply what brought you to that point? Honestly i think that has to be the worst part of my scars. The attention they draw when i really don’t want it.

After months of turmoil and repressed memories surfacing. My depression began to win every battle, my anxiety peaked, my PTSD screamed. After months of battling it all, i didn’t want life. I wanted peace. I wanted silence.

My rivers of red

In that moment, i don’t even realise what I am doing… i’m subconsciously searching for a way out. The river of red carries the pain away until it dries up and another river blooms.

I think I always knew i was depressed. From a young age I would punish myself for everything. The youngest memory I have of me hurting myself would be the day of my 6th birthday. It used to be just verbal abuse, but as the bullying started it transformed into physical abuse – i mean, if i was hurting myself, then maybe they wouldn’t hurt me.

The very first time i held a blade to my skin was when I was 8 or 9. Like any addiction, i didn’t plan to let it last for so long. I just wanted the memories and the pain to go away.

I’ve been self harming for roughly 7 years now, and its getting harder to hide. Harder to stop. Harder to smile.

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